Heavy Object Episode 1 Thoughts – Why Don´t You Just Read A Book Instead.


When a series begins with CGI explosions and some dude talking about war, y´all know this is either going to be the tightest shit around or the absolute worst. After 24 minutes of me feeling triggered over all the information dumping reminiscent of my history exams, I´m putting my money on the latter.

And I´m not just being bitter for the sake of being bitter or bitching about it for the sake of trying to be – slightly – amusing. The first five minutes of the episode is just a speech of some sort of things we don´t care about yet (I timed it) and the painful CGI animation of boats and fire and more boats hurt both my eyes and soul and put me to damn sleep – Jesus Christ and his comrades, when the fuck are they gonna shut up?

But hey, if a series wants to get its setting and technical terms and stuff out of the way right away, why not? but that´s not enough for Heavy Object. Which could be better renamed to Heavy Context – because even after those five minutes of monologue a couple of characters – I assume the main character and his obligatory silly bff for lifeu – keep on talking, and talking, and talking and info-dumping like they don´t have a whole season to give it to us bit by bit. It´s like sucking dick and suddenly getting deepthroated, is what I´m saying. Except you get deepthroated right away before you realized his pants are off.

Even the show itself knows you don´t give a shit – yet – about anything they´re talking about, so instead they distract us with footage of girls taking showers and getting naked. At least they tried to pretend the info-dumping wasn´t actually info-dumping, but by now I feel like I know more about that world that my own.

So the show continues talking and some cute animu girls show up and the elder lady is the only character worth two seconds and we have yet another boring Rei clone that misses everything that made Rei Rei and then her titty bom-boms get squeezed. I´ve seen enough hentai in my time to know where this is going – after fifteen entire minutes of bullshit Heavy Object throws the towel and gives in to what anime is really about, which is the oppai.

Or more like, oh my God I touched a boob once and am now impure forever and always and destined to get slapped by tsunderes for the rest of time – with this, 24 minutes passed and even with all this information I don´t have it in me to actually care about anything that´s going on. Obviously, I have dropped this.

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